I got divorced 10 years ago and no new relationships have developed

I Got Divorced 10 Years Ago and No New Relationships have Worked Out. This is Depressing!

Anne Wade Marriage, Dating, and Relationship Building 0 Comments

I got divorced 10 years ago and no new relationships have developedReader Question: I got divorced 10 years ago. I've had relationships sometimes, but none worked out. Now I’ve been looking for my soulmate, but I can’t find anybody and I'm not getting any younger. Since I have been alone and waiting so long, I feel like I've missed the boat. I’ve worked on myself, and dealt with my issues. I have hobbies and try to enjoy being single, but being single is depressing.

There were times when I felt like the poster child for this situation. It took 15 years of being divorced and kissing frogs before Steve and I found each other, and it was worth every single moment.

Let’s take these concerns one at a time and switch up your thinking a bit:

I've had relationships, but none worked out.

We have a tendency to confuse “It didn’t last as a long-term relationship” with “It didn’t work out.” The two are not the same at all. Each of those relationships is a stepping stone, a “training wheels relationship,” bringing you closer to the love you truly desire. Think of that soulmate love as a picture you are painting or a puzzle you are putting together. Shift your thinking into gratitude that this person came to give you an essential color of paint or piece of the puzzle.

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The picture you are holding of an ideal love and ideal mate could never become complete without that indispensable piece. Shifting into love and gratitude for these relationships will open you to more love.
Sit yourself down right away, preferably with pen and paper. Examine those relationships. Find the nugget of wisdom in each and overtly give thanks. Repeat until you feel the truth of it.

Every single one of those relationships worked out exactly as you needed them to for the benefit of your growth and awakening, while also playing a crucial role for the other person. Yep, every single one of those frogs was a Prince (or Princess) in disguise. Soulmates help each other evolve; it is never just one-sided. So this person showed up for you, and you also showed up for them, the perfect circle of giving and receiving.

I’ve been looking for my soulmate, but can’t find anybody.

Ironically, looking may prevent you from finding. It sounds like a conundrum, but you can't look for a soulmate. You can only teach yourself how to see.

Teaching yourself how to see comes from the inside. Kudos for working on yourself and dealing with your issues. That’s a huge step. It’s also Part 1. Part 2 is getting inside the head and heart of your ideal mate. What is he or she looking for in a mate? What are his or her essential points of connection? This goes beyond just working on your issues into becoming your own best self. What your ideal mate is looking for is the roadmap.

Here's an example: Many singles are looking for a fit and gorgeous god or goddess, yet they have allowed themselves to become an out-of-shape couch potato. Two things are happening in that scenario: First, that couch potato is unlikely to interest the person who actively takes care of their body. Second, having set ideas about what your mate should look like may blind you to the person who is a wonderful match in every important way. Your ideal mate could be in your life right now and you wouldn’t be able to see him or her!

This is not about lowering standards or settling. It is about opening your vision and acknowledging your ideal mate may or may not look like you expect. It’s the expectations that cause the blindness.

I have been alone and waiting so long, I feel like I've missed the boat. I have hobbies and try to enjoy being single, but being single is depressing.

The good news – it’s highly doubtful you have missed the boat.
The bad news – you are likely prolonging your wait by the mindset of being alone and waiting plus allowing yourself to feel depressed about it.

The phrase that jumps out is “I try to enjoy being single.” Words have power. (That’s why companies spend billions on advertising.) There is a wide chasm between that statement and this one: “I enjoy my life, just as it is.” In the first sentence, “try” is the verb, the doing part of the sentence. The word “try” means to attempt or struggle and that’s the message you are sending yourself. In the second sentence, “enjoy” is the verb, the doing part and it means pleasure and fulfillment. If you say each of those sentences out loud and pay attention to how you feel, chances are you feel a little down with the first sentence and more upbeat with the second.

The words we use, how we speak to ourselves, make a huge difference in how we see things, how we feel, and what happens for us as a result. Choose your words wisely. What if every word you utter is a wish to the cosmic genie? Would you want those words to come true?

Thought Shifts to Help You Connect with Your Soulmate

In addition to these thought shifts, there are a few more actions you can take:

1. Wake up! Your mate is doing the same thing you are – growing, evolving, opening his or her eyes and heart - so it is possible he or she might still be prepping, healing, and cleansing in order to be able to see you. Be patient and grant them the loving space to do their own work. Steve and I have sometimes said that we wished we had met sooner. But the truth is we wouldn’t have "recognized" each other because we were still in the process of rising to our best selves. Our souls had chosen very different paths for our awakening in this life and our younger selves were not yet able to see what seems so obvious now. Now we are rising in love together, but first we had to each do our own work. Don’t worry about how long it takes. That’s different for everyone and totally meaningless in the big picture.

2. Keep honing your own list. Get clear about what you really want. Zero in on qualities and characteristics, not just looks. Focus on finding the sweet spot between being too specific and being too vague. Allow your list to guide, not limit. If your list is too precise, you may be blocking out the One who is a good match for you, but doesn’t match your list. If you are too vague, you may miss them for lack of focus. Keep on clarifying, cleansing, healing, and clearing. As they say, it’s a process, not a destination.

3. Practice the art of giving. In this context, practice the art of giving love in ways that are meaningful to the receiver. Do this in all your relationships. Our tendency is to give in ways that are meaningful to us without giving consideration to what is important to the receiver. At the same time, practice graciously receiving what is given to you even if it isn’t exactly what you think you want. Treasure the gesture. Open yourself to the possibility that what was given is even better than what you wanted. Practice this with family, friends, and colleagues and with any new romance that comes along.

4. Relax. You don't have to be perfect or reach any particular level of evolution, and neither does your mate. It will happen when the two of you are an energetic or developmental match and you are ready to genuinely give and receive. It will happen when you are ready to give up the stressful yearning.

Take heart. There are billions of people on earth and infinite possibilities for love. Get clear. Live well. Be happy. Get out of the way. Allow the universe to do its job.

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Anne Wade is the founder and publisher of The Soulmate Dance. She is a writer, educator, life coach, and lifelong student of soulmate relationships, devoted to expanding our understanding of all types of soulmate relationships and experiences.

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