Soulmate Dance talks about falling in love when you are both already married

I Think She’s My Soul Twin, but We’re Both Married

Anne Wade Marriage, Dating, and Relationship Building 13 Comments

Soulmate Dance talks about falling in love when you are both already marriedSoulmate Question: I’ve met someone and think she is my twin soul, but we’re both married. She makes me feel alive and excited in ways my marriage no longer does. My wife is great, but I miss feeling like this. What should I do?

A year ago, I addressed a similar question and that article is still garnering comments and private messages. In fact, this question comes from one of those emails. Clearly, there is a lot of heartache and confusion swirling around this topic and it definitely deserves another visit.  (You can access the previous article and all the comments at “I’ve Just Met My Soulmate, but Am Already Happily Married.”)

Even when we deeply love our partner, we can meet someone who sends chills up our spines. When that happens, it’s natural to assume that new person is The One. Consider this:

“The Buddhists say if you meet somebody and your heart pounds, your hands shake, your knees go weak, that’s not the one. When you meet your ‘soul mate’ you’ll feel calm. No anxiety, no agitation.” Monica Drake, Clown Girl

Seems I’ve been quoting this a lot recently. In reality, the Buddhists didn’t have much to say about soulmates, but the concept is spot-on. That excitement we feel upon meeting someone new is a connection of some kind, but believing that feeling always indicates true love  or your Twin Soul is a myth of pop culture.

Instead, the energy we feel passing between us is more likely signaling that we have met someone with similar issues or who is working on similar life lessons or who is giving us a little reminder to notice and appreciate what we have. Depending on what happens after that initial spark, we can end up feeling really good or really bad, burned or warmed.  Either way, we will be changed, ultimately for the better. Either way, the feeling is waving a flag that says, “Important! Awakening opportunity just ahead.” The feeling of chemistry by itself is not a good indicator that they are The One love-wise or even that they belong in our life long-term. Since we rarely give ourselves even 5 seconds to assess what that chemistry might be saying, we end up in all sorts of relationship predicaments.

The proof of this is right before our eyes, yet we frequently choose to ignore it. How many times have you met someone at a networking or social event and just clicked? Maybe it was love, but statistically it’s more likely they became a colleague or friend or just passed through. Or how many times have you met someone and felt instant chemistry only to have the relationship blow up later? You read it as love and it may have mimicked love for a little while, but it didn’t last and may have ended badly.

Keep in mind that everyone we meet is a soulmate of some kind or another. You’ve heard me say it a million times and here goes a million and one:

  • Not all soulmates are romantic. They are also family, friends, colleagues, enemies, and even our victims. Because…
  • All soulmates are teachers. Each one is helping us become aware of some new aspect within ourselves on our way to our ultimate awakening.

With that in mind, let’s look at some of the possibilities for what’s happening here:

  1. It’s a wake-up call to put more zing into your marriage. You say your wife is great, but you miss that “in love” feeling. You can get it back. By far the fastest and easiest way is to tune in to her. Figure out what says love in ways that are meaningful to her. “The Giver becomes the Receiver” is one of the fundamental truths of the universe and nowhere is that more true than in relationships. There’s no “one size fits all” and that’s why it is so important to get inside her head and her heart.  Take me, for example. If my husband takes care of my car – full tank,  engine in tip top running order, clean inside and out – I feel absolutely cherished and eagerly look for ways to show him how much he means to me. Some other woman might scoff at that or even be offended, but feel adored by the husband who gives her gifts. Neither way is right or wrong. They are simply individual preferences and that’s the key. Give love in ways that are meaningful to the recipient in order for you to receive the loving treatment you desire. Who knows? Your wife may be feeling the same thing and this is your opportunity to re-ignite your marriage for both of you.
  2. It’s a wake-up call to deal with your own internal boredom. When we feel bored or empty, we tend to point fingers at the people and circumstances around us. We think changing partners or jobs or moving will fix the feeling. Unfair! If you are feeling apathetic in any situation or relationship, begin by looking at yourself, changing yourself. The cold hard truth might be that you are bored with yourself and are projecting it out, blaming someone or something else, rather than looking within and dealing with the root of the matter. You can also address boredom by changing the way you look at things.  Instead of focusing on the boredom, play a game with yourself by focusing on things to be grateful for. Suddenly, everything looks different and you’ll have a much clearer picture.
  3. It’s a wake-up call that your marriage has run its course - that you have outgrown the relationship or situation, and it’s time for you to move on or kick into self-development mode. Instead, you’ve been lollygagging in monotony or procrastinating and you needed a trigger. But keep in mind – leaving isn’t about recapturing that “in love” feeling with someone else, and leaving your spouse for that reason almost always brings disappointment. Instead, it’s about making conscious decisions for your soul’s evolution while simultaneously being compassionate for the other people involved. Regardless of what you’ve seen in movies or read in books, changing partners in and of itself doesn’t fix anything. It just masks the original problem for a little while.


Clearly, meeting this woman is indicating it’s time for a change of some kind. The question is “What kind?”  Sure, it’s tempting to jump to the conclusion that this new person must be The One and then jump into it.  I would encourage you to first dig deeper, consider the scenarios outlined above before mindlessly making such a major move. And above all, search for the underlying truth. In situations like this, people often don’t want the truth. Instead, they want reassurance that what they believe or what they think they want is the truth. Rise above that. Search your own soul for what’s really going on and then you will know that your decision, regardless of what you decide, is for the greater good for all.

Anne Wade is the founder and publisher of The Soulmate Dance. She is a writer, educator, life coach, and lifelong student of soulmate relationships, devoted to expanding our understanding of all types of soulmate relationships and experiences.

Comments 13

  1. I’m trying to determine if I’ve met my TF or if I have run across this person for purposes of helping me to grow in my own current relationship. I love my husband and always have, but he takes me for granted. He has put our relationship in long distance situations a number of times and he knows that I have finally reached my breaking point. I am by no means perfect, but I haven’t felt for some time like I am not a priority for him. We both have agreed to give it this one last shot and are close to removing the distance we have between us right now.

    However, I recently developed a close relationship with a co-worker of mine. Being near him I don’t get the anxiety and physical sensations you speak of us getting for people who are not actually our TF. I’ve been fighting it for months and have finally let my guard down. When we’re together we are at peace and it just feels right. I think for him he knows whole-heatedly that his marriage has reached an impasse and I am the one for him. But, I’m not ready to give up on my own marriage yet. The anxiety and intense pain I feel is the result of knowing that I think I’ve finally found the one that knows how to love me and I how to love them but it’s going to come to an end soon because I’ll be moving away to be back with my husband.

    It is killing me to know how much it would hurt my husband if he knew but it’s also killing me to leave the man I’ve fallen for so deeply and know that neither of us will ever find someone that will be able to love us that way ever again.

    I’m desperately trying to find some meaning in all this. I hold myself to a high moral standard but I know in this situation I have failed. Any advice you can provide would be much appreciated. I’m angry with myself for getting into this position and for the pain I have and am going to cause for either man. Please help!

  2. I just want to send an eternal I Looove you across all time and space to my married soul mate..
    If our souls are meant to find each other again..I will be the happiest girl in the world.
    P.s If anyone out there knows of a forum or website to blog/ write out our pent up love for the distant soul mate please reply to my reply…
    It would be soo theraputic to be able to tell him how much I miss him love him ,think about him …without intruding on his higher self souls path,or his sacred marriage

    Echoes of love eternal

    1. I just wanted to say how beautiful your comment was to read. I can feel the love you have for him, and how you want the best for him, even if in the meantime, it hurts for you.

      Love is always around! Would meditating on him help? You can send him wonderful, loving vibes and feel the energy that is still there. Just a thought. 🙂

  3. Thank you for making me understand my most hidden feelings of guilt and sadness over such a confusing delema. My husband is aware that I am in love with a married man I know is my TF. He sent my TF a long text and threatened to turn his life upside down if he claims to be in love with me., which I know he is. He said he will think about leaving his wife and I already said I was ready to leave my marriage of 27 years. He said give me 2 monthes. Well we live 200 miles apart…and it’s been 3 monthes and he will not respond. Feeling confused and lost at this point. We have been friends for 2.5 years. Met two glorious times…I texted him the question…do you want me to forget you…a simple yes would sufice. But I got nothing.

  4. You are saying you miss feeling this way, that means that you have felt this way before. It sounds like you just miss being/falling in love and there is nothing wrong with that either.

  5. Why is this happening …

    It’s 323 AM – and I’m wide awake. Coming off the tail end of a rough day as my company informed the entire sales division at what was a great career – that we were being laid off.

    Regardless of what’s on my chest, it’s what’s in it that I need to reveal. About 3 years ago at my old position I walked into a business in CT – as their account manager I usually dealt with a used car manager etc that sort… I was brought upstairs to meet with the BDC manager, and from there into a room to wait for the GM.

    Let’s get some background on me – I’m 33, I am married without kids – to a man I definitely don’t deserve. He is handsome, kind and generous and oh so patient with me- I love him – I don’t want to hurt him – he would move mountains for me…. But my heart is breaking inside me for staying just so I won’t hurt him- at the same time I am petrified and alone in my tumult of emotions. Normally he would be the person I would speak to about this – obviously this can’t happen… Back to the story.

    Sitting and waiting for the GM, needing to talk business – sign him up for a listing program that was new at my company, I occupied figuring out how I was going to approach the sale – then he walked in… Have you ever had the wind knocked out of you? If you have its not something you ever forget… This is exactly how I felt. I wanted to run out of the room, I have no idea what I said because all my words were flying out to cover up my pounding heart… I couldn’t wait to get out of there – his name was Bill, GM – and he wanted to give the listings program a try – I got the feeling he was amused by me- he signed – I ran out the door. It took me until I got into my car before I could breathe again.

    At the present time I was dating my now husband. I have always been a straight a narrow girl for the most part – I tried to disregard the encounter and told myself when I return I won’t have to see him, I can talk to the other managers in the business right? Well before all my plotting came to fruition I received a linked in request from you guessed it … Him… Followed by this message “great meeting you let me know when you are in town and we can grab dinner” sometimes I am so angry at him for sending that message … Bringing all this complication into my life… Sometimes but not most times bc all the other time I feel that without him nothing makes sense. But remember I needed to be professional, I didn’t even know what he wanted to speak about and it wasn’t unusual for a client to go to dinner with a vendor. So we went to dinner the next time I was in town- he was staring at me … I think I barely got down 1/2 a BLT and a gin&tonic when the words came out… He said he asked me out because he liked me- but he told me he was married – with 3 kids – and he wasn’t simply the GM he owned the dealerships… The fucking trifecta. I feel like all I heard was that he liked me – he felt something he didn’t understand, this is something he never did and it was clear because he was petrified someone might see us well before he divulged how he felt to me- I kept questioning why he would worry… I am just a rep out to dinner win client … God I’m rambling.

    We parted ways with only words spoken. This is how it began and it’s become something now that I am so lost in that I need to share it -I need guidance.

    I ended up marrying my husband – I’ve been married for a year now, I did my best for the first 3 month not to communicate with let’s call him B – I had left my role at the position that forced me to frequent his businesses, I was going to be a great wife- I loved my husband – I blocked B … And then after too many punishing dreams and constant thoughts about him I couldn’t take the hurt inside without him and I unblocked…I replied to him after months of silence… Following this.we would meet for coffee on occasion – he would tell me he wants to be with me .. I knew he meant every word- the feelings never changed for me – ever hour felt like a second before he had to leave- we never kissed although he tried… We only held hands and drank coffee and words/glances. I feel like he texted me more back then – more than he does now… I had a few moments when I thought I couldn’t do this – he is difficult – He is worried about his businesses and money – and he tells me he can’t leave his wife/kids… They are youngish and I love him for that too. I wish he was poor – I tell him that all the time- but I don’t wish his kids away. I try not to wish his wife away, I am not jealous of her – I am just in love with him… The plot thickens…

    We were supposed to meet in NYC the day I decided to block him- it was all arranged and I just didn’t reply I just disappeared… I knew this was a line if crossed I could never take back- but I was afraid to cross it and it took every bit of grit I had not to go. I say this because once I reached out again – saw him again – it was clear that I had hurt him by not being there. We both have a lot to lose but I just didn’t want to be some plaything. He used to tell me he missed me- if I said I was in town he would ask me to visit, it feels different since I disappeared – he still adores me face to face – holds my hand – etc but between those times is just empty space. We had an argument stemming from my insecurity – he can be selfish with his time and I was feeling like he never spoke with me anymore – didn’t call, didn’t text – I mean I feel like the only thing he sends me is “hey what’s up” so I told him I was going to rip the bandaid off and end whatever this was – I cried the second the message was sent – I can feel my eyes burning as I write this. We exchanged a few texts following that one – he was angry – eventually he called me – I’ll never forget the words “you aren’t my wife … You aren’t my girlfriend …” He was so angry – it felt horrible, I still don’t think it was right to say although I’m fully aware it’s true… I have been apprehensive to text since then, but after the tongue lashing he asked if we were still on for the meeting we had agreed upon for the following week.. I love him – I said yes- I am so incredibly weak.

    So here we are – we shared our first kiss – our first everything … I don’t regret it- not a second of it… I feel stronger for him than ever and also petrified that this is going to change everything – he asked me seconds before we passed the point of no return if I wanted to do this bc he cares about me and doesn’t want me to do anything that might cause me pain… This was very thoughtful but I couldn’t stop – I have never felt what I feel with him – and 3 years later it was the same… So we spent the night … And the next morning we parted ways.

    I miss him every day – he tells me that just because he doesn’t say it or reach out doesn’t mean he doesn’t think of me always. I know he would be ruined if he was caught so I forgive him the lack of communication .. He has always been honest with me even if at times brutally honest. He is 40.. I’m 33 … His wife is 47- so I’m 14 years younger than her. I don’t wish I was her, I wish he was with me- I feel like I would take the disappointment from my family – I’d have to leave my husband – I’d drop everything risk everything to be with him… I know I would – just like I know he won’t.

    My husband deserves better – I didn’t realize there is a difference between loving and being in love- I didn’t go out looking for this it just happened- my meeting with B changed everything I thought I knew about love … I’m doomed … I won’t hear from him until Tuesday – guess he is taking a long weekend away from work … I guess that’s my story – it’s now 4:26 am and I am happy I got that off my chest.

    I would appreciate some guidance,

  6. Pingback: I've Just Met My Soulmate, but Am Already Happily Married...Help! | Soulmate Dance

  7. In need of guidance. I’ve been married for over 6yrs and have been with my wife all together about 11yrs. About 5 yrs ago we lived in seperate states for about 6 months due to finding new work and things got bad. I thought for sure we were done but once she found a job and I moved back things got better obviously but still never the same. 2 yrs ago we had a child a blessing I wouldn’t change for the world. Now with time being an issue there’s always little arguments and things I have verbally expressed I’d like to change in the most constructive way I could think of and her response is “I don’t know what to tell you” I don’t know how honest that is. She’s a good wife and a great mother I appreciate her truly but things just seem stale and repetitive. One afternoon of me going out after work a woman approached me at random and asked if she could sit. So she Sat down and we started talking and found so many things in common we had expressed that we were attracted to each other. She is divorced and I shyly did not reveal my situation. I just feel so comfortable with her and feel myself and it’s nice to share so many things in common with someone I feel I’ve known her forever and felt why couldn’t we have connected years ago. I’m having a difficult time choosing a path and the method to go about it. I honestly don’t want to hurt either but also know that’s impossible. I’ve never felt this way before. I want to know more. Sorry for writing a book

  8. I had my TF leave me, and what I felt wasnt pain or anything like that.. I was calm and somehow know I will see him again..

    He’s married, and I somehow know he isnt happy but he still has some things to face about it, having kids makes it hard for him too

    I feel great freedom now, from him leaving. We didnt see each other in any emotional or physical sense that was cheating. But I felt that he needed me around, but it was getting to the point where we are in our lives werent going to get us anywhere. I dont want to pull him out of a marriage, and also dont want any resentment from him if he did for me

    Its better if he works through what he needs to on his own.. And I work on my own stuff. And if we are meant to come together, we will.

    Now I feel free from the checkmate that we were sitting in for ages.. I hope that hes okay. But I know, the spiritual bond is strong.. That we dont need to be in each others lived to be okay.. Emotionally, I wasnt happy that he got himself married.. But we’re bigger and stronger than those things in this world..

    Im just happy to know, that I have met him and Im not alone in this world, with my TF here too.. To know that, is enough to keep me happy in this life.. We came fr different countries, to cross paths like we should have.. I know we will see each other again if we are meant toi

  9. Help! This is my situation exactly. I have to see the person I believe is my twin flame on a regular basis, and I’m trying to stay true to my marriage, but finding it more and more difficult. When I’m near my twin, I feel like I want to burst into tears or scream loudly. What do I do?

    1. Post

      When we experience profound chemistry with another person, it’s very tempting to leap to the assumption that he/she must be our Twin Flame. That’s rarely true, and it often causes massive heartache.

      Chemistry is nothing but an energetic connection between two people. It is not the same as love at all. Sure, it’s all tingly and exciting, but that is to be approached with caution. The problem is that few of us pause to think what it is that’s making the connection. Because energy is neutral and not related specifically to romantic love, it could very well be something else that’s connecting, something we really don’t want to nurture in our lives. It can even be something that has caused us pain in the past. To paraphrase a character from Sleepless in Seattle, “So what we think of as chemistry is just two neuroses knowing that they are a perfect match.

      We’ve been brainwashed by pop culture and social media to believe that if we meet someone and get all tingly, with pounding hearts, weak knees, and a complete inability to think of anyone or anything else, then we have found love. The truth is, real love feels more like a homecoming. It’s profoundly calm and peaceful. Your soul feels at rest. That isn’t to say it isn’t exhilarating. It will. but it will be a deeper and much more satisfying excitement devoid of anxiety and agitation. No need to burst into tears or scream!

      The only way to stay true to your marriage AND find deep satisfaction for yourself is to learn how to give love in ways that are meaningful to the recipient. It sounds like the opposite of what we see in the movies or read in novels, but it is the true secret. Get yourself a copy of The Five Love Languages and implement its teachings. It will help you understand what you are really looking for and what you think you are missing. It will help you be true to your marriage with genuine integrity. And it will help you find the love you deserve wherever that may be.

      Give yourself the gift of pausing for a moment to discover what is at the root of the chemistry you are feeling. It may surprise you.

    2. Post

      It’s a common misconception to think that our Twin Flame is another person and the ultimate romance. In reality, finding your twin is waking up to the realization that you are your own twin. We’re fond of saying “We are all One” without pausing to think what that really means. Think about it. It means there really is only One and you are it. Everyone we encounter in life is just another aspect of ourselves appearing to reveal something else to us in our awakening process. The reunion we are all seeking is waking up to this understanding and to the reality that we ourselves are Love. That’s all we are. We come from Love and to Love we are returning because we are Love, and this life is all about finding our way home to Love by learning to act and think and feel in loving ways.

      Another misconception is that when you meet someone and feel all fluttery, your heart pounds, your hands shake, your knees go weak, and you can’t breathe, that means you’ve met The One. In reality, when you meet The One, it feels more like a peaceful homecoming. Agitation and anxiety are not part of the mix.

      Clearly, this man is a profound catalyst for you, and it’s natural to mistake that for romantic love. Chances are, you are being offered an awakening of another kind. Pause to ask what is really being revealed to you about yourself.

      You cannot have both your husband and this other man. You cannot nurture your marriage while fantasizing about someone else. You cannot start something new while still in your marriage. You will only be at war with yourself, a house divided. You must decide.

      Meeting this man might be a wake-up call letting you know you’ve drifted away from your marriage and it’s time to re-focus on giving love to your husband in ways that are meaningful to him. Usually when we feel a lack of love, it’s because we ourselves have lost touch with the giving part of the equation.

      It could also be letting you know that your marriage is over and you weren’t yet aware of it. That means it’s time for you to lovingly and compassionately end it, without pinning that decision on starting something new with this man.

      Either way, you are being offered the opportunity to grow with kindness, compassion, and love. Peace be with you. XO

      1. Thank you Anne Wade for your beautifully poignant post and subsequent responses. Reading this blog spoke to me deeply, defining certain aspects of my own spiritual growth. We have not been intimate with each other, not only out of respect for myself and to honor his marriage to his wife. There were times when I wanted to merge with him so deeply, to the point I thought about seducing him. Thankfully, changed my mind because doing so would have long lasting repercussions. No more horrible karma for me.

        He and I were apart for a long 9 months and at times my longing so intense, it’s left me wanting to work on myself more. When he and I reconnected a month ago, we spent minimal time together on a platonic level. We’ve always been aware of our boundaries. I realized how virtually impossible it is in trying to build a divine and loving relationship on rocky soil. Doing so would result in hurting not only myself, but him, his wife, and his children. None of us deserve such heartbreak and pain from selfish desires.

        Feeling peace and calmness are what I experienced when our eyes locked with each other last year. There were moments of intense anxiety where fear of losing him forever crept up. That is something i have been working on. Trust me, i have been on a spiritual journey and spiritual counseling of loving myself, healing certain areas within my own life, and began the process of letting him go with love and friendship for now. When he finishes working through his karma with his wife, then universe will bring us back together.

        To add, I’m in no way shape or form perfect or all love and light. I cried many days, was angry on others, including confused as to why this was happening to me. Once I started releasing some control, I started to feel better. Thank you for allowing me to share my story.

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