Even if the two didn’t experience love at first sight and even if your friend or family member had a bumpy start to her relationship, there was most likely a fireworks moment that occurred.
A “fireworks moment” is a sensation of passion, an urge to get closer to the other person, a feeling that this is “the one” or possibly that the two are soulmates. The intensity comes through as tingles in the toes, butterflies in the stomach and a sense of being more alive and in love with life than ever before.
If the friend or family member you’re talking with is like most people, after re-calling the initial thrill of discovering connection and love, she may become wistful and maybe even a little bitter. This is because in the majority of long-term relationships, after the initial “fireworks,” a shift happens. The couple gradually becomes less appreciative of one another. They make their relationship less of a priority. They start taking one another for granted.
Their relationship is healthy enough and they don’t have serious problems, but they also miss the fireworks. Passion fades and they settle into a relationship that’s simply okay and not amazing.
This happens in soulmate relationships too!
Here’s our story...
The two of us were just friends living in the same geographical area who had similar interests in personal and spiritual growth. Our fireworks moment literally happened when we hugged one day. This wasn’t even a sexual kind of hug! We hugged and it was as if the heavens parted and then we knew without a doubt that we were soulmates. After this realization, we grew closer and closer, committed to be together and we eventually chose to get married.
All was blissful until we experienced what so many other couples experience-- passion and our connection started to become dull and strained. What we did about it was to get curious. We started looking at our habits and we learned a lot about how to keep that delicious fireworks feeling going (and growing).
It doesn’t matter if you’re with your soulmate or in a non-soulmate relationship. If you don’t communicate and treat one another in certain ways-- and continue to do so-- the fireworks in your relationship will fade and possibly fizzle out completely.
This isn’t the trajectory your relationship has to get stuck in.
Remember what pushes you apart.
When we realized that the fireworks were fading in our relationship after that initial phase, we took an honest look at what we each do and we continue to do this today. This wasn’t (and isn’t) always comfortable to do. It can be embarrassing and even cringe-worthy!
But it’s worth it to see and understand what drives a wedge in our relationship.
This is what we recommend to you too. Have your eyes wide open and recognize it when you say or do something and your partner visibly or more subtly moves away from you. This reaction could come in the form of a defensive comment, silence when you expect a response or in his or her body language.
Make a mental note that your tone of voice, word choice or your own body language may have contributed to distance in your relationship. That distance is what extinguishes the fireworks!
Remember what brings you closer.
As you adopt an approach of curiosity, be sure to also look for what brings you and your partner closer together. This is another strategy we use in our own relationship.
When your partner shares how he is feeling, when she move closer and is more affectionate and when you generally feel the warmth and affection flowing between you two, what have you been saying or doing? Of course, some of this has more to do with your partner’s stress level and other situations going on for him or her.
But, some of it DOES have to do with you. When you talk to your partner with kindness, consideration, compassion and appreciation, he or she is likely to be more open with you. The opportunity to invite connection happens in your everyday conversations just as much as it does in “big” talks around “serious” issues.
Focus on what you want to keep alive.
When it comes to keeping the fireworks in your soulmate relationship sparking long after that first moment of realizing your feelings for one another, be intentional about your focus. Be clear within yourself about exactly what you want to experience more of with your partner and then make it one of your top priorities to speak, act, interact and live accordingly.
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