I have Found My Soulmate, but She Doesn't Love Me Back. Soulmate Dance gives advice on what to do.

I have Found My Soulmate, but She Doesn’t Love Me Back. What Should I Do?

Anne Wade Mindset and Personal Growth 22 Comments

I have Found My Soulmate, but She Doesn't Love Me Back. Soulmate Dance gives advice on what to do.Reader Question: "I have found my soulmate, but she doesn't love me back. What should I do?" 

Loving someone when they don’t love you back is exhausting and frustrating. You die a little every day. Thankfully, you have choices.

It’s the expectation of returned love that is causing you grief, not the fact of her not loving you back. You are giving control of your happiness to her and any time we look outside ourselves for fulfillment of any kind, we end up feeling emptier than before. Happiness, like love and fulfillment, is always an inside job.

That’s not to dismiss the love you feel for her in any way. Our relationships certainly enhance our lives and most of us want to be in a loving romantic partnership of some kind. That’s normal and natural. Yet the paradox is that the more we learn to love ourselves from the inside out and the less we need (note the word “need”) the love of others, the more love we receive from people who are willing and able to both give and receive love.

Along the way to meeting our Beloved, we may experience a few Training Wheel Relationships. Chances are, we will genuinely love these people, but for some reason the pure flow cycle of giving and receiving cannot be completed at this time. So the training wheels wobble and the relationship falls down. Just as when you are learning to ride a bike, you may be able to pick up and go again and again until you ride effortlessly OR the frame may be bent and it’s time for a new bike.

Here’s the truth: Genuine love is freely given, no strings attached. By expecting her to behave in certain ways to please you and make you feel good, you limit the possibilities for both of you. Even if you really truly deep-in-your-heart believe she is your Beloved, you must remember that she has free will. Free will is an essential part of the human condition, something we must not violate. You would not want her or anyone else to violate yours.

Can you practice patience even if from afar and go on with your own life? Can you remain open to all possibilities including meeting someone else? Can you love her exactly as she is, where she is, even if that isn't with you? Can you lovingly set her free and allow her to find her way to you...or not?

Learning how to love the unlovable or unavailable without harming ourselves or them is one of life's greatest treasures. That may be the gift this non-starter relationship is giving you. Welcome it and allow it to blossom as it will.

Anne Wade is the founder and publisher of The Soulmate Dance. She is a writer, educator, life coach, and lifelong student of soulmate relationships, devoted to expanding our understanding of all types of soulmate relationships and experiences.

Comments 22

  1. I tell you where the problem lies is this “friend zone” crap. We should never ever put anyone in a box. If they are there for us, offer us emotional and spiritual support, and we enjoy being around them we should take a chance on them romantically. We cheat ourselves out of so many potentially great relationships when we label people from the start. If you love your friend then you should tell them and if they are unwilling to even give you a chance, you should walk because you will constantly get hurt. Over time, you will either be able to move on or perhaps that person will start to see your worth. You have to always pray about it because God can change things.

  2. I must respectfully disagree that one must open themselves up in order to obtain their Beloved’s affections. That does not always happen. That is reality. I would say ensure that it is not perversion or lust and then if the man is truly in love with me, then he can do so from afar and leave me to choose to love another man who is my soulmate. Perhaps, he will find another woman who IS truly his soul mate, or he will learn to love from afar in singlehood.

  3. Mmm. You not helping. the message saying go move on. There no such thing as free will anyway. Just remembered that we’re imperfect. We have dark side that may help solve the problem.

  4. I met her 5 years ago, I loved her instantly even though I don’t believe in such things. I tried to dismiss it as infatuation! But she seduced me, she told me she loved me and when everything was going perfectly she changed her mind and left me! That was after a year of almost perfect joy! She has since repeatedly come back and no matter how many times she rejects me, or hurts me as soon as she comes back I can’t refuse her! I have this need to make her happy! So when she needs me I’m there for her without a single thought for myself! Then she inevitably leaves again and because she needs me to let her go to be happy I do it! I have fought for her I have waited for her I have let her go and tried to forget her but no matter what I do I am a slave to her! I need help! She is both the best and worst thing to ever happen to me! Since I met her I can’t move on because no one else compares to her and it wouldn’t be fair to anyone I meet to expect them to be happy with me when I feel that way! What can I do? How do you get over the perfect woman who simply can’t feel the same way? It isn’t her fault! I don’t blame her I just don’t know how to move past these feelings! She never has a reason why she doesn’t want me when she leaves, she just says “she doesn’t know why but it’s not what she wants anymore” then after a while she comes back feeling upset and needing some attention and love and I give in knowing it will result in my soul being drained again! My confidence left in tatters again! And my heart broken again! Please help me?

    1. Lofty, I was in a similar situation to yours, but for a much shorter period of time. What I found out(besides the fact she was psychopath-I do not say this lightly, but have a way of finding this out. She is not a sociopath[I believe the difference might have to do with nature-psychopath versus nurture-sociopath.) was she was my karmic soulmate, and once I learned my lesson, which was to set boundaries of what I would accept and what I wouldn’t, she was no longer my soulmate(using the same test I used to determine she was my soulmate earlier). Unfortunately for her, I’m still her soulmate(using the same test).

  5. I love this girl I’m in the same campus with.we were so close n caring to each other.she made me believed she had a boyfriend and I took het as my sister.I love her so much.she gets angry when I’m wid other girls.she blocks me from approaching girls.she asked me out on vacation day and told me that she was lying about the boyfriend thing.she is single and will miss me.she said a lot so I gathered courage and said all ma feelings to her.She said she loves me as a brother.I was heartbroken.this semester she wants us to be the best of friends.she gets mad when I talk about girls or be with them.I distanced myself from her and she complains.what should I do?

  6. Hey everyone, I have the same problem, but considering where I live, the culture and my own personality, the problem is so much harder for me,,,I truly need help, specially from a spertual oriented people as yourselves , the thing is I am like a black-sheep for the average 30 something male here in my place, my thoughts, my interests my way of life and my way of thinking is vary deffrent from anyone, living in a middle eastern country, it is not easy to meet a lots of ladies, the only acceptable way of finding a soul mate is through family and acquaintances, which I met a lot,but not a single one I met did even intrigued me, after years of searching I reached a dead end, until one day my company started to hire female staff , and that’s when I found her,she is my match in every way, the lady I was waiting my whole life, finally in the least expected place, my hopes skyrocketed, finally I decided to talk to her after we became familiar with each other, but she rejected me, she said she sees me as a friend only, I was torn apart, but I accepted her choice, I decided to be the best friend I can be, her happiness became my first priority, I always support her and assist her, but after each thing I do for her, she get more upset, I clearly told her I don’t want to change your mind, I only appreciate you vary much because you are special to me that’s all, after that I kept my relation with her vary limited and formal, mostly hellos, and even that was upsteng her, so I finally decided to stop everything, and after one month I feel truly misrable, knowing exactly that I cant have the same feelings to anyone else, and if you wondering how many years it took me to find her, well around 12, and yes I am in middle 30s, I don’t have any options, I feel miserable and I am crushed everyday, I dont want to impose myself over her or manipulate her to love me, which I can do, but I refuse to became someone I am not , please I need help and advice, what can I do? and dating around here is almost impossible in case you wondering

    1. Post
      Author

      When we love someone – or think we do – we naturally want them to love us back. And yet as you wisely say, imposing ourselves on them is truly a violation of their free will and not loving at all.

      Let’s look at this from a different perspective. Instead of saying that you will never have these feelings for someone else, switch your self-talk and begin telling yourself that if you have found one, then there are others out there and the next one will be more open. Think of this as your first step in connecting with your Beloved.

      A key part of connecting with our Beloved is the process of opening ourselves to the possibilities instead of closing ourselves off. Just because it’s difficult doesn’t mean it’s impossible. Perhaps you’ve received some valuable insight that can transform how you look at love and how you approach opening yourself to love. Maybe you are a trailblazer for others in your culture who share your feelings!

      Out of kindness and love for this woman, honor her wishes that you refrain from even casual contact. That makes you an even better person and in no way means you are being someone you are not. It simply means you are rising to the opportunity to honor and respect the wishes of someone you love and admire. That act of kindness and love will ultimately come back to you, perhaps when you least expect and perhaps in ways you can’t imagine right now. XO

      1. Hey Anne,
        thanks for your replay,truly appreciate you took the time to help a stranger,, I totally agree with what you said, and I am trying to convince myself as hardly as I can,that if I have found one, that I am sure I will found another, even yet,I increased my searching options(with zero results so far), but I couldn’t shake the feeling of depression that creeps in my heart since I decided to stop dealing with her, unable to shake the fact that I spent nearly decade just to find a one lady that resemble all I ever dreamed of, I am already open to posobiltles , which make the situation even worse, I even tried online dating sites and other social media without single shred of hope from these attempts, and that’s all before I even met her, I already reached a dead end before I even know of her, now I can barley hold myself together, I reached an age where a healthy relationship is vital to my wellbeing, and after I had some hope knowing her, it all trembled down again, I sincerely dont know what are the chances I have now, that I tryed every way and knocked on each door, even worse, all the people around me are pushing me to marry any good lady I can find regardless of any of my hopes,”manners are what matters the most, you need a woman to rise your children, everything else is irreverent and subject to change”, thats what they saying, thats how they see life!!! but I cant accept this.
        now I am in point where I feel terably desperate , I lost all taste for life,like a soulless creature, all I feel is pain and sadness.
        sorry to bother you with my problems, but I can use all the help I can get, maybe I am to hopeful and raise the bar so high for my expectation about my soul mate, maybe I have to accept bieng like everyone else around me and engage to a lady just for the sake of raising a family, I know inside, that even if I do so,it wont fill the gap in my soul.

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          Author

          Consider this: We don’t find a soulmate, we become one and that calls in our Beloved.

          From what you say here, chances are you are currently projecting your depression and desperation. Your expectations are acting like a force field keeping good women at a distance. Hardly attractive for a someone seeking a loving relationship!

          Instead of focusing on looking, focus on becoming the kind of loving, kind, compassionate man that is irresistible to loving, kind, compassionate women. Learn how to show love in ways that are meaningful to the recipient. Learn how to respect boundaries in ways that make you feel strong, loving, kind, and compassionate.

          Focus on enjoying your life just as it is. If you are empty or needy, you will only attract other empty, needy people. I doubt that is what you really want. Turn your focus around and trust in transformation.

          1. Hey Anne, sorry I didn’t replay to you earlier, I hope you all well.
            I thought of give your advice a try before I reply , so here I am.
            I am kind by nature, all those who knew me think of me like their big brother, someone they can lean on in times of crisis, someone o step forward to lend a helping hand, after I read your comment I embraced this side of myself more, I thought maybe through helping the ones who truly in need of help,I do help myself in the process too, too overcome my loss.
            I also even fouced more on my talents and hobbies, which involve much creativity, I draw often,write and building all types of miniature realistic models, I even catchd up with all my must read books, I told myself Anne is right, if I can enjoy my life as it is, maybe if I achieved this, the need for a soul mate or a companion will be at minimum, I even increased my time in the gym, trying to learn more moves and challenge myself harder,just to test the boundaries of my own body, and I wish I can say it is worked, but it didn’t.
            it is been 2 month and a half since I cut all lines between me and her, yet the pain only became bigger and bolder, in my attempt to forget her I think I burred the pain deep inside, but instead the pain grow more as if it spread into every bit of my soul, I keep asking myself why I feel so bad about it, she has every right to reject me, I respect her and her discion, why I cant feel at peace, then it hits me, when you long search for a thing that is already hard to find, and once you find it, your hopes get high and your spirit elevated, just once you relies that you cant have what you found,like when someone walking in the dark, hoping for the smallest glimpse of light to show him the way, and suddenly when he least expect it, the moon cast it silver light, and all roads are visible, the hope is coming back, when suddenly the moon is gone again, and light is gone again , and only what left is darkness and despair.
            I think this is my problem, Hope rised me so high when I found her, my dream lady, only to crush me again, it is not all about losing her, but it is about losing my hope too, I am thinking of talking to her again, but it dosent seem right or natural, is that it?? have I doomed my self with hope.

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            Author

            My heart goes out to you. It can feel awful, and yet it’s accepting the Truth about Life and Love that sets us free.

            Souls do not know human time, though we keep trying to imprison them in our ideas about when things should happen. When we make comments like,
            “I’ve done this for 2 1/2 months and nothing has happened,” we are speaking in terms Soul neither understands nor acknowledges. Soul only knows openness – open to receive, open to understand, open to Love. That means giving love in ways that are meaningful to the recipient and that is very different from giving love just in the ways we want to give it or giving love mainly with an eye to what we get in return.

            A soulmate is not something that can be “found” because it is within us all along. Perhaps this article from Ram Dass can help.
            https://www.ramdass.org/the-idea-of-a-soul-mate/

            I wish you all the love you desire. XO

          3. Thanks Anne, I wish all the best, I truly appreciate your advice, there mere fact of you have the interest to advice on my trouble make me feel little better that their are some good people out there who have the willing to help strangers, I wish you all the best,as for my case, as you said, soul is a mystery and there is no telling how much time it will take to heal, specially a long tormented soul who’ve been poisond by hope such as mine, and I do ask for one more favor , keep me in your prayers, thanks with love

            Soul

      2. I was crazy about this beautiful girl on campus from the very first time I saw her – that had never happened to me before. We dated a few times after I finally worked up the courage to ask her out. I really loved her, she didn’t love me back. She broke it off, then two years later we started it back up again. It was passionate and real, but inside me I knew it wasn’t going to work, so I backed away. That was many years ago. Part of me still loves of her in a way, even though we long ago went our separate ways.

  7. I know how hard it is to let go the one you really love, Jeff. The reason why it is so painful because you tie your desire for love to that woman and letting her go will feel terrible. Just try to understand that your right match is on the way. Keep believing in LOVE!

  8. I meet my soul mate but my fears n insecurities did not act. She had but was let fear run my whole life. Presently we r friends, hv lunch daily n accompany to her home. She has a child but she rarely mentions the father. She knows I love her. And because I h seen much improvements. In my self esteem. She makes me happy. But it still pains me how I have drew up my life

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      Author

      That is a very common concern, Mr. Smith, and thankfully one we need not worry about. There is no such thing as being with the “wrong” person. Every relationship is a soulmate relationship of some kind, and every one of them is valuable.

      It’s also impossible to miss out on being with “the one you are meant to be with.” You WILL end up at some point in your soul’s existence with your Twin Soul. But notice three important things – (1) reunion with your Twin Soul will happen sometime in your “soul’s existence” which may or may not be during this lifetime, (2) you can, and should, enjoy many soulmate relationships on the way to reunion with your Twin Soul, and (3) being alone is simply a signal that you have some self-awakening work to do.

      There is a simple process (and my own story) outlined in these two blog posts:

      http://soulmatedance.com/soulmates/find-your-soulmate/how-did-you-find-your-soulmate/

      http://soulmatedance.com/soulmates/find-your-soulmate/if-you-want-to-be-found-stop-looking/

      Fretting about never meeting her will only make that worry come true. It will blind you to the many possible loves that come your way. You see, it is impossible to find your Beloved by looking for her. You only find her by looking within and cleaning up your own act.

      The key is simple – focus on growing yourself, healing yourself, preparing yourself and your Beloved will appear.

  9. There’s a concept in psychology called “projection.” It is reflected in the traits and qualities we struggle with in other people. If you are attracted to someone who doesn’t love you back, it is likely that you are projecting your lack of self-love onto her. If you work to increase your self-love, instead of focusing on the lack of love returning to you, things will change dramatically.

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      Author
  10. I understand exactly where you are coming from Jeff. I too feel that I have met my soulmate, and although I am trying to accept just friendship, while letting her follow her own life path, it is not easy. This is true especially when I see her pursuing other relationships. It is something I must do though, however difficult, because of my deep love for her. I sincerely hope things will work out for you and you are drawn to the right person.

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