Reader Question: I have been working on myself for the past 2 years. I have done a lot of therapy and soul searching about my childhood and past relationships. I have been dating for about 5 years and have been unable to meet someone who even resembles a romantic soulmate. I have friends who have done little or no work on themselves and they have all found great compatible men! What is wrong with me and why can't I find my soulmate too?
This question stumped me for many years, and when Jodi sent it my first thought was “What on earth can I say? What have I learned?” Then, as always happens when we sincerely ask Source for help, it came from a random unexpected place.
Some friends from a mastermind group I’m in sent one of their soulmate videos to the members for preview. And right there was a wealth of good information for all of us who have pondered this question. That in itself is a very important point – we are all “students” here together, sharing bits of awakening as we receive them.
A while back, I wrote this statement, “Working on ourselves is fundamentally different from becoming soulmate ready in subtle yet profound ways.” Here’s why I think that is true...
For the most part, working on ourselves is a conscious process, especially in therapy. It’s extremely helpful for dealing with the things we know consciously and even digs a little into the subconscious. But underneath all of that lurks a jungle of unremembered or yet-to-be-understood experiences, feelings, and beliefs. For some, we could never find the origins if we tried, especially since they may have been handed down in our cellular memory. These sneaky inhibitors are often compared to computer viruses because they can be silent and unseen, but deadly. Unlike computer viruses, we thankfully do not have to find and eradicate each and every one in order to escape their grip. For me, that would have meant spending the rest of this life hunting stuff down instead of living!
On the other hand, becoming Soulmate Ready is largely an unconscious process. Sometimes, folks who seem to find a mate easily are often not even aware of conscious vs. unconscious. They aren’t really “working on themselves” because they haven’t yet embraced that awakening track. And that’s perfectly OK. We all experience Seasons of the Soul that are much like physical developmental stages from baby to adult. It’s a natural part of being human.
For you, deeper questions come into play. I suspect you are looking for more than just a compatible mate. Frankly, those are easy to find, but can be less than satisfying for someone who is seeking reunion, a homecoming with the original other half of their soul.
There is a Divine Plan to soulmates and we will encounter all of the different types at some point. Companion Mates comfort us and often stay with us a long time. They make great spouses and parents, but may not satiate that deeper soul yearning. Karmic Mates are our teachers. They can be the kind inspiring person who sets the example we want to emulate. They can also be that “bad” relationship we create over and over until we awaken to the wisdom they are bringing or the painful relationships that teach us to forgive. Ego Mates are sometimes considered a type of Karmic Mate. They are part of our emotional adolescence, when we are still concerned about how we look to others and what others are thinking of us. These three types will weave in and out of our lives as long as we are alive, showing up whenever a bit of awakening is needed or requested. Welcome them!
And then there are Twin Souls or Twin Flames. They were the original other halves of our souls. If you are longing for that reunion, take heart. It is possible to get your mind and soul in optimal condition for this ultimate connection.
Forgive and Release - The first, and possibly most critical, place to focus is on Forgiveness. Forgiveness is one of our most misunderstood concepts. (For more on Forgiveness plus a free download, click here.) It is essential to begin by forgiving yourself, for past misdeeds and for everyday moments in the here and now. You are human. You will screw up. You are not “perfect,” whatever that is anyway. Keep in mind that perfect is perfectly subjective.
Forgiveness is very simple, even though we do our best to make it complicated. It simply means we stop being angry, not sweeping the unpleasantness under the rug, but freeing ourselves from its viselike grip which is always self-righteous anyway. It means we stop blaming. No matter what the other person did, they did NOT make us angry. Anger is the reaction we chose or allowed. It’s your reaction. Own it. Then let it go and forgive yourself....and them. Release it. Pushing it to the dark corners of your mind just gives it a nice dank place to fester and explode later.
Ditch the Soul Clutter - It’s easier to see the conscious emotional clutter, but trust me there is a lot of dust gathered in your subconscious corners. For example, while it’s natural to want safety, validation, and approval, they are also crippling. If you are looking to another to provide those things and not creating them within yourself, you are coming from a perspective of incompletion which only attracts other needy people. Examine your “needs” and see which ones you are best off providing for yourself. That way, you meet your soulmate as an equal, a partner able to be his or her matching soul. This is the truest meaning of freedom to be yourself.
Soul Clutter tends to hide deep within and often feels inaccessible. One of my favorite techniques to rid myself of the clutter is EFT. I like it because it allows me to name the thing that is bothering me, then harness an acupressure technique to relieve the underlying, and sometimes hidden, causes. Our friend Annette Vaillancourt, PhD has recently published How to Manifest Your Soulmate with EFT: Relationship as a Spiritual Path. It will help you release emotional baggage, known or unknown, attract new and different types of partners, and transform yourself into the person your soulmate finds irresistible because it really is the other half of his or her heart.
Another favorite is Ho’oponopono, an ancient Hawaiian practice of reconciliation and forgiveness that corrects, restores, and maintains good relationships. The mantra is simple – I love you. I’m sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. In Zero Limits, Dr. Joe Vitale chronicles the story of how Dr. Ihaleakala Hew Len used the technique on himself while working in a prison ward for the criminally insane. The results were miraculous.
Practice Self Love – If you really want to speed things up, fall in love with yourself warts and all. Loving yourself sends a powerful signal that you are ready, available, and worthy of love. The foundation of soulmate love is unconditional love which goes beyond “I love you in spite of your flaws” to “I love you just as you are.” There are no flaws, only various aspects of each of us. What we perceive as flaws in ourselves and others aren’t flaws at all. They are merely our reactions to things we think we don’t like.
When we classify our own habits, behaviors, or beliefs - or those of others - as flaws we automatically demote the object of that classification to “Unworthy of Love” status. If we see ourselves as unworthy of love, even if we think we’ve hidden it well, that is how we will be seen, even if unconsciously, by others.
The flip side is that we cannot live life worrying about what others think of us, or measuring ourselves against them or by their expectations. We are each unique individuals, divinely perfect (not humanly perfect) just as we are. When you see yourself in that light, others will too, and you will become a homing beacon to your Beloved.
Visualize with Crystal Clear Clarity – This visualization has nothing to do with defining physical attributes. It isn’t even about shared interests. Nice as they may be, those are human concerns. Your Beloved will look beautiful through your eyes of love regardless of his/her appearance. Shared interests contribute to fun days, but different interests can help keep things interesting. In fact, the whole purpose of this kind of visualization is to release these limiting pre-conceived notions, to become open and courageous, willing to try something new.
Instead, picture what it would feel like to be free to be completely yourself...and to give that freedom to your Beloved. When you think about designing your perfect partner, focus on who they are and how that manifests in their life and yours. Your soulmate may “look” very different from what you have expected. Visualize what it feels like to give and receive love within a soulmate relationship, then let that become your guide.
Surrender – Let go of your pre-conceived notions. Throw away your lists. Turn your back on your expectations and meeting the expectations of others. Stop driving. Relinquish control. Surrender to The One who is also seeking you. Rumi said, “Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it” because “Lovers don't finally meet somewhere.
They're in each other all along.”
Free Will – For me, this was always the most challenging hurdle – honoring my Beloved’s free will. Intellectually, I knew he was moving at his own pace, awakening, evolving, preparing. I knew he was seeking me and that a part of him had always been inside me. But I was impatient and wanted him to appear NOW! How very disrespectful of his own process. Honoring the free will in another paves the way to having your own free will honored. The Giver becomes the Receiver.
Commitment and consistency – in forgiveness, self love, visualization, and respect. No whining! Knowing that everyone who shows up is showing you the way, and when you are both ready, you will appear to each other as if by magic in perfect divine timing.
Anne Wade is the founder and publisher of The Soulmate Dance. She is a writer, educator, life coach, and lifelong student of soulmate relationships, devoted to expanding our understanding of all types of soulmate relationships and experiences.