Reader Question - My ex girlfriend and perfect mate (i.e. soulmate) just married someone else. I am convinced she married him on the rebound and it will soon end. They fight all the time and have nothing in common. Should I wait for her, maybe stay in her life somehow until the marriage eventually ends?
I know this sounds tempting. When an Ex we think we want to be The One exits our lives for whatever reason, the temptation is to rationalize, make excuses.....and wait.
But here’s the cold hard truth – If she also thought you were The One, you two would be building something together right now instead of you sitting alone contemplating this plan. And just the fact that you are considering this says you have some work to do yourself in order to become the Soulmate you want to attract.
Maybe the two of you are a different kind of soulmate.
The Many Types of Soulmates
Does hearing the word “soulmates” conjure up images of perfect couples? In our imagination, these fortunate folks are seen as compatible in very way. They never fight or disagree. They are always in sync. They are always happy, always content, and they sail through life together on clouds of romantic bliss.
Not So Fast
Even though romance is top of mind, there are as many kinds of soulmates as there are kinds of relationships. Family, friends, colleagues, enemies, victims...all are soulmates.
The purpose of human life is to remember that we came from, are made of, and simply are unconditional love. We feel affection and fondness (Storge), friendship (Phileo), and romance (Eros) depending on the type of relationship as we remember how to love unconditionally (Agape) in any circumstance.
Our many soulmates, members of our Soul Tribe, are here to help us with that mission, embodying whatever role we need at any given moment. Some of those roles are affectionate – friends, family, lovers, and beloveds of all kinds. Others are painful or unpleasant. Those relationships are more like sandpaper on fine wood, bringing out the beauty and strength of the grain through friction and pain. All are essential.
There are four main types of soulmates:
• Karmic – Karmic Mates come together for the purpose of learning (remembering) something specific or working out an issue. They can arrive in many different forms and guises, some pleasant, others prickly. Often when they become difficult it’s because we are resisting whatever they are bringing to us. Karmic mates are purpose-driven and when that purpose is completed they often exit our lives. Karmic Soulmates rarely make good romantic partners, but often end up in that role because the attraction is so strong, and they are hard to release even when their work is done because of that powerful attraction. If we understand why they have appeared, we can appreciate them for what they are and not expect something more or different from them.
• Ego - We connect with Ego Mates when we are still concerned about getting things “right” and how things look to others. We need them to help us look good and feel better about ourselves by doing the right things, going the right places, hanging out with the right people, holding the right job, wearing the right clothes, living in the right house. There are a lot of judgments, expectations, and conditions involved, and the mates are easily embarrassed when one or the other doesn’t measure up. They make poor romantic partners because they do not yet understand the meaning of complementing each other. They are emotional vampires. They fret about the superficial which prevents the deeper connection they crave. Most ego relationships are fragile and transitory. They are often prone to cheating, looking to someone else to provide their self-esteem rather than growing from the inside out together.
• Companion - Companion Mates probably come closest to the familiar view of soulmates. Companion relationships are characterized as warm, loving, and often long-term, sometimes lasting a lifetime. While they are frequently romantic partners and make excellent romantic partners, they can also be family or close friends. Teaching, remembering, and growing are lovingly shared endeavors. That’s not to say they never disagree. They do! And must for healthy growth. They don’t ignore the natural ups and downs of human relationships, but have navigate them together, focused on being mutually respectful, affectionate, intimate, committed, honest, safe, and loving. Even with their closeness and sharing, it is possible for companion mates to grow apart as each follows his/her individual course. In that case, true companions will allow the partners to lovingly go their separate ways, often remaining friends despite the ending of the initial relationship.
• Twin - Your Soul Twin is your energetic match, literally the other half of your original soul energy. When souls were created, they were made up of both male and female energy. Not gender – that’s a human concept. Then the energy divided and each twin went out and began gathering many experiences through many lifetimes. When you meet your Twin Soul there is a sense of coming home. This isn’t the chemistry we hear of in movies and bars. Soul Twins are complementary co-creators. These two have learned, or nearly learned, the lessons of their past lives and are now open to living the giving and receiving of unconditional love in human form. That’s a tough assignment until you awaken to the beauty of its simplicity. As co-creators, anything that still needs healing in either Twin Soul will come up, but there is an underlying sense that they can and will weather it together which gives each the security, clarity, and strength to tackle these last lessons. It is safe for each to go into his/her dark corners and address whatever is lurking, and through that safety, the light will spread throughout both.
How did she become “The One Who Got Away”?
(Check out The Many Types of Soulmates for more info.)
The One Who Got Away
Occasionally, The One Who Got Away is The One. Occasionally. More commonly, that feeling is just clinging to something that has run its course and ready to be set free. It’s denial. It’s easier to romantically hang on to this notion than set out fresh with what you have learned.
Why do you want to keep pining for someone who not only has moved on, but also married someone else? Regardless of whether it was on the rebound or a well thought out choice, it has happened. Could you just be seeing it as only rebound through your own hurt feelings? She chose him.
How do you know they fight all the time? In any relationship, even the strong soulmate ones, there is a period of adjustment. Fighting, learning how to agree to disagree, or learning that you are unable to agree to disagree are all part of that phase. Some couples fight a lot, others fight only a little. It’s all about learning to blend the habits and preferences of two individuals into a cohesive couple. Even if she and her husband fight a lot, that doesn’t mean she is unhappy. Or that she wants to leave him.
And why would you want to be with someone who bounces from one relationship to another? You didn’t say who broke up with whom, but whoever did the ending either recognized that the relationship had run its course or they were playing a game. And it happened long enough ago that she has met and married someone else.
Are the two of you still in touch? If so, in what way? It sounds as if you have too many lingering feelings to be just a friend and that you might even have a personal agenda in maintaining the contact. If you truly love her, then follow the age-old advice and set her free. Allow her current relationship to play out on its own without you involved in any way. Don’t become her shoulder to cry on. If she cheats on him with you, she’ll cheat on you with someone else. And whatever you do, don’t take what isn’t yours. In this as in all things “A little Golden Rule goes a long way.” How would you want to be treated if you were her new husband?
The best thing you can do for both of you is to move on with your life. Waiting squanders your life. Hovering interferes with hers. Allow yourself to get back out there. Utilize everything you have learned to attract and nurture a reciprocal relationship, one where you are loved as much as you love. You have a responsibility to yourself and your future mate whether it’s this gal or someone else to become the mate your soul is seeking to find.
Because we don’t find a soulmate, we become one.
No matter how traumatic the end of a relationship may be, the good always outweighs the bad. If you learned in this relationship what not to do in the next, you are better for it. If you learned one new thing about yourself or another person, you know more than you did when you started. ~ Arielle Ford
Anne Wade is the founder and publisher of The Soulmate Dance. She is a writer, educator, life coach, and lifelong student of soulmate relationships, devoted to expanding our understanding of all types of soulmate relationships and experiences.