Loving someone when they don’t love you back is exhausting and frustrating. You die a little every day. Thankfully, you have choices.
It’s the expectation of returned love that is causing you grief, not the fact of her not loving you back. You are giving control of your happiness to her and any time we look outside ourselves for fulfillment of any kind, we end up feeling emptier than before. Happiness, like love and fulfillment, is always an inside job.
That’s not to dismiss the love you feel for her in any way. Our relationships certainly enhance our lives and most of us want to be in a loving romantic partnership of some kind. That’s normal and natural. Yet the paradox is that the more we learn to love ourselves from the inside out and the less we need (note the word “need”) the love of others, the more love we receive from people who are willing and able to both give and receive love.
Along the way to meeting our Beloved, we may experience a few Training Wheel Relationships. Chances are, we will genuinely love these people, but for some reason the pure flow cycle of giving and receiving cannot be completed at this time. So the training wheels wobble and the relationship falls down. Just as when you are learning to ride a bike, you may be able to pick up and go again and again until you ride effortlessly OR the frame may be bent and it’s time for a new bike.
Here’s the truth: Genuine love is freely given, no strings attached. By expecting her to behave in certain ways to please you and make you feel good, you limit the possibilities for both of you. Even if you really truly deep-in-your-heart believe she is your Beloved, you must remember that she has free will. Free will is an essential part of the human condition, something we must not violate. You would not want her or anyone else to violate yours.
Can you practice patience even if from afar and go on with your own life? Can you remain open to all possibilities including meeting someone else? Can you love her exactly as she is, where she is, even if that isn't with you? Can you lovingly set her free and allow her to find her way to you...or not?
Learning how to love the unlovable or unavailable without harming ourselves or them is one of life's greatest treasures. That may be the gift this non-starter relationship is giving you. Welcome it and allow it to blossom as it will.
Anne Wade is Teacher, Writer, Mentor, and Coach for courageous women in midlife and beyond who want to disrupt their own status quo and design life on their own terms, even in turbulent times. She has developed the Becoming Found process of going within to find and address the inner barriers we have all inadvertently built up against love, happiness, health, wealth and any other desires of our hearts. Teaching women to unapologetically shine like a superstar and live their legacy is Anne’s mission. You can follow her on her Facebook page “Anne Wade – Becoming found” or join her “Becoming Found” Facebook group.